Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I am not used to chaotic friendships. I am not blameless, neither are they. There was a really fucking horrifying catalyst. We are picking up the pieces and moving forward cautiously.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

This Mad Season

I pulled Charlie out to dinner after the Drinking of the Titanic to talk about the things he said. Ophelia had told me he was already having trouble that night, and Red getting sick just exacerbated it. I told him he matters - to all of us - and the part of his brain that tells him otherwise is a lying sack of shit. He said part of him understands that. I told him there are trained professionals who can help turn down the volume on the bad thoughts. I asked him if he's made plans, he wouldn't answer. I asked him if he would come to one of us if he were in danger, and he wouldn't promise, said he doesn't want to be a bother. I told him it's a bother to let him suffer for no reason. I'm gently encouraging the others to reach out and make sure he knows he is wanted in our circle and that we are here to support him. That's a tricky balancing act for Ophelia right now, though.

She has just started an intensive outpatient program. She says suicidal thoughts are not new to her, but she is having unusually strong and persistent urges. She believes in medically assisted suicide for terminal conditions, and is stuck in a place where she feels like things will always be that bad and so death is a mercy. Anthony told me that she is not giving the same red flags she usually does when it is this bad, and I told him I'm glad she has resources and is being proactive about using them, because it frightens me more that she is suicidal and able to act normally than if she were in obvious distress. They have agreed, under guidance from her therapist, for him to manage her psych meds and keep all sharp objects out of the house. 

I have spent the week in various states of dissociation and panic. I am still not eating, and my brain is doing this demented teeter totter between wanting someone to notice to show they give a shit and wanting everyone to just ignore it because interference doesn't help. I guess right now it is what it is.

We are all still hot messes. 

Saturday, April 15, 2017


Charlie, Red, Anthony, Ophelia and I gathered last night for "the first annual Drinking of the Titanic." We were planning MarioKart and karaoke.

Red, who normally has a high tolerance and a good sense of her limits, had a bad week and was planning on blowing off some steam. She slammed shots of apple whiskey and went from fine to puking her guts out and barely conscious in the blink of an eye. Anthony, Ophelia, and I rallied to make sure she was breathing ok and cleaned up the puke. Anthony carried her to their bathroom and stood handy outside while Ophelia got her into some clean borrowed pajamas. The three of us took turns holding her in a safe puking position then tucking her back into a chair between bouts.

That triggered a crisis with Charlie, who is newer to having more than a beer or two and has NOOOO idea of his limits yet. He felt hopeless and useless because he couldn't help Red so he was off slumped against a wall crying because every hopeless and useless feeling he has ever had was crashing down on him at once. So the rotation included soothing Charlie who felt that he was utterly unimportant and replaceable, and making sure Red didn't aspirate, and still had appropriate vital signs.

Good times :/

I am being far too open about my eating. I kept joking "It's ok, I ate lunch today" when everyone was laughing at how hard a small amount of alcohol was hitting me last night. We all crashed in the living room, though Charlie went home later during the night and Ophelia eventually went upstairs. Anthony and I stayed with Red to make sure someone was handy if needed. In the morning Anthony offered pancakes. "No thank you, I had lunch." "Ok, I'm making you pancakes." I did have one and some coffee because I felt like hell. I had my own mini spaz session after some discussion of childhood things (Anthony, Ophelia, and I have all spent time under the legal care of someone other than our parents) and had to step outside for some air. Ophelia followed me out and helped talk me down. That kind of dead hollow feeling followed me into the morning.

Today I am just feeling alone and empty. I wish we could meet up again tonight and do non-drinking things but I think that might be too much with Ophelia struggling with her own demons so much right now.

We are all grand hot messes.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Real Talk

CB & SO need names. Anthony & Ophelia

I marched over to their place and said we needed to talk it out.

Maybe not as aggressively as that sounds, but we met up to talk it out. I told them I wanted to respect their privacy but we were talking about something that involves me, and I have a right to be human about that, and what limited information I had was sending my mind in tailspins, including that there had been a problem during times we were together and I had missed cues.

Ophelia struggles with mental illness, and it turns out that spring is the hardest time of year for her. She is currently cycling and they wanted time separate from our physical relationship so that Ophelia didn't end up hurting me and so that our relationship doesn't worsen/trigger issues for Ophelia. Anthony was vague about reasoning because he didn't want the explanation to make things worse for Ophelia, and wanted to respect her privacy.

We had a very long, very in-depth conversation that put my mind at ease. There will probably not be any more physical encounters before they move to Colorado, but that door isn't locked, it just depends on how Ophelia is doing. I told them I wouldn't make any moves or take anything as a signal unless she pretty much jumps my bones.

I learned a lot about both of them that night. Anthony comes across with kind of a swagger, but he has some serious, deep insecurities - and he is actually capable of talking about them. Ophelia and I chatted about our different kinds of crazy, and coping skills. I had been terrified that I'd seriously misjudged them based on the initial weirdness and vagueness, but I went home liking - and respecting - them more. I think I also put Ophelia at ease that I don't bail on my friends just because neurotransmitters are having a seasonal spaz session.

I left confident that we are friends.

I know these posts don't get comments - I'm probably weirding a lot of people out. But it's nice to think out loud.

Random addition: I have had 10 art sales in the last 2 weeks. Yay. My collection of unsold figures is dwindling, so I must make more things!

Sunday, April 9, 2017

You must become an island

This week has been confusing and terrible. Everything just went to crap at once - confronting money with my grandmother, processing my visit with her and my mom, having the HIDA scan to check my gallbladder (function is only mildly low but they recommend meeting with a surgeon), finding out that my grandmother paid her usual annual amount into my retirement even knowing I'd sucked the rest nearly dry, finding out that she probably did not tell my mother because I think my mother would have wigged out on me. We had a not-official-Drama-Club Community College "table reading" (there was no table) of a script written by a faculty member. I told them not to use these cafe chairs because sitting without my back and feet supported still leaves me in a lot of pain. They used the cafe chairs anyway.

So I was fragile and frazzled and worried about everything at once, and suddenly in a great deal of pain, too. I found myself about to pop a cork at theater friends and say things I would've meant but that shouldn't be said. I was raw and everything was too loud, too fast, too much. I shut down for a few days.

There was more leading into that, but I suppose that's the gist of it. If I continued to speak to people, I was going to gut them. So I briefly explained that I was not feeling well and not being rational and needed to step away for a few days.

CB and SO have called off the physical relationship without much of an explanation. They both say it is something between them and nothing I have done, so I need to accept that and try not to second guess it too much. We haven't all had time together to work through what we want out of the new "friends who happened to have sex a few times" territory, but it seems like we will be able to do it. I'm a little sad since she is leaving for CO in only a few weeks - I kind of pictured acting like bunnies since we all know it is a short-term option. Ah, well.

I am not eating well. I have lost 10 pounds, 12 if you believe today's number, which I don't really. But I adulted and got my oil changed and tires rotated in the new car today so I don't murder my brand new car or void the warrantee. I got my hair cut with the only stylist in the last 5 years or so that has not made me wish I were bald or had just cut it myself (I do an ok job, and frankly better than some of the hack jobs I've had lately). I'm being more responsible with my money and have even placed a stripe of bright red tape on all credit/debit cards as a "red flag" to remind me to think twice before using. I'm struggling with low energy levels because of the digestive problems and ED playing into each other, but I'm still managing to do physical therapy stretches and exercises every few days. Every day would be better, but nothing would be unimaginably worse.

I had 6 purchases on my FB art clearance, and a 7th that was through Etsy and I offered them the buy one get two anyway. I paid another dollar to advertise today and got a few clicks, but no sales. I will probably slow down on pushing art for a few weeks while all the theater friends try to cram in as much fun with CB and SO as we can before everyone starts parting ways. On the potential agenda for only two weeks we have a Joss Whedon trivia night at a pub, My Fair Lady at local dinner theater, finishing/continuing tonight's Dungeons & Dragons game, and a night where we all just get crazy drunk and goof around, and possibly making one of those events (probably getting drunk and goofing around) into a birthday party for SO. I'm going to be so tired by the time May comes...

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Buy My Art!

Most of my Etsy listings just expired, so I'm having a clearance sale on Exempli Gratia Art to reduce inventory before I pay to renew any listings. I typically ship U.S. only but I'm willing to look into international via a reserved Etsy listing if you ask.

Luna carries the full moon through the night sky. Little Lu isn't as strong, but she practices with the crescent moon under Luna's careful watch. These babies are for sale in March's Spotlight Market Night.