Thursday, October 19, 2017

It's been a while

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Blogger is being stupid and won't let me resize photos for some reason, so I apologize for the giant ass that's about to attack your screen (this post is slightly NSFW)

No automatic alt text available.

I'm doing that craft fair Halloween weekend and I have almost nothing made. And the current forecast HIGH for the day is 55* F (13* C)... It's outdoors, mostly after sunset. I may die of hypothermia. But I'll be there with a friend so we can die of hypothermia together in an arty way.



I'm still dating the couple I started talking to in July and it's really nice. They live in a smaller college town nearby, but it's still a 45 minute drive, which suits my introverted nature entirely too well. We talk a lot but we haven't had a proper date but a handful of times. It keeps things from getting too overwhelming. I'm happy with where we're at.



I used our date to the Rocky Horror Picture Show (my first) as an excuse to buy my first corset, and leave the house in that and fishnets and... not much else. I enjoy the corset very much. I feel amazing in it, and it has so much adjustability that it won't be wasted when my weight fluctuates back down.

I'm on track with my bachelor's program. My physical therapist said I don't need her anymore, and I have an appointment with my doc on the 24th to see about getting lifting restrictions (which I've already blown out of the water - the PT suggested I look into proper weight training because I love it so much) eliminated.

Things are busy-good. I'm good-tired. I'm always tired, but I suppose that will never change.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Shifting Sand

I'm stretching myself in strange, uncomfortable but satisfying ways.

I have an associate's degree in nursing, the minimum required to obtain my license as a Registered Nurse. On July 1 I started a web-based BSN program. Not because I really want to, but it is necessary for career mobility. I hope it will be a good thing.

July also marked my return to physical therapy and a full dedication to regaining my strength. I am not pain-free, but pain is mild and manageable, and after just over a month I have seen enormous improvement in my physical ability.

That same month I introduced myself to a couple and very unexpectedly really hit it off.

The sad thing with Anthony and Ophelia is that we handled the sex thing pretty well, it was a night where I discovered a fundamental difference in how we define and value consent because of what she allowed someone else to do in their home... that was after the physical part ended, and that was the beginning of the end. I'm sad, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Anthony isn't really in touch and I didn't expect him to be, and gone are the days when I'll put more of myself into a friendship than someone else is willing. We play Words With Friends on occasion.


Regardless, I want to come away from that hurt smarter and stronger, and I believe I have. And I'm exploring what I want in new ways.

I have not seen anyone else from Drama Club since Anthony moved. I hate that they are all flaky introverts and our friendship is pretty much digital now... but will hopefully get to see most of them at a planned art night the weekend after the eclipse. A darling whom I shall call Cricket is hosting. Cricket was involved in several theater shenanigans and has always been lovely, but a little more peripheral to my serious friendships that have been mentioned here.

Cricket is young, a kind and lovely soul, an art major. We are going to do an art sales booth together at a downtown Halloween festival after-party in October - her paintings, my clay things.

I pick up my mom from Up North then head to Tornado Alley this weekend to see the total solar eclipse on Monday with Bro & Mrs. Bro at their place, then make the return journey during the week. I'm not sure exactly how good or bad this family visit might be... Sis in law targeted me during one of her apparently monthly disconnects with reality, shortly after Ophelia lost her crackers at me for the last time, and I have a small tolerance for baloney right now. We shall see.


Thursday, July 13, 2017

I'm here

I'm busy, I'm tired. Lots of wheels are in motion to hopefully make life better.

Things are already a lot better since Ophelia lost her shit and blocked me (I changed my view of her FB posts without telling her which means I don't trust her so we can't be friends. And why would I trust someone who goes from "we're fine" to "get out of my life" over a FB setting? So...). My perspective of her has shifted since I've seen the ugly behavior she thinks is okay even when she's not in the middle of a mental health crisis, and her behavior the last day we talked was a breaking point for me too. Live and learn.

More on other life soonish.

Monday, June 12, 2017

I'm so lost and tired. I had my a laparascopic cholecystectomy last week, meaning they cut my gallbladder away and pulled it out through an incision in my belly button. Recovery has been harder than I expected.

Everything is so ugly and tangled in my head right now. Ophelia said she'd talk to me about her experiences with local care but she keeps forgetting, and I told her I don't feel ok continuing to ask. She says she'll talk to me tonight.

Anthony is moving in a week an a half.

The rest of the group... They don't make plans, they rarely join plans, they are introverted and flaky. I feel like things are Ending for all of us and it is the worst feeling.

I feel so, so alone and lonely. I can't even keep friends.

I went to Pride this weekend, despite the sore and puffy belly, and met some ladies from a (state) local women's group I stumbled across a few months ago. I think there are some really nice people; I'm going to try to make myself go to the monthly group outing in a few weeks.

In the meantime... I'm glad to have Percocet. I definitely need it for pain but I've also been too gorked to feel much of anything. I'm tired of feeling.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Kinky

So that you know where I'm coming from, as I don't care to discuss everything that fed into the last post, here is where I stand.

There is a difference between giving someone your power and having your power taken away. One is kink, the other is rape. If you find it sexy to give up your power, even if it's something I wouldn't like (and some things I definitely do like), more power to you. Power play is about trust, not force.
If you take someone's power by force, you have committed a crime. If you think it's sexy to create or consume fantasies (role play, porn, etc) about taking someone's power, you are saying rape is sexy. You're saying the act of force is what makes the experience enjoyable. I believe that is harmful even if it's carried out by consenting adults. That crosses a line for me and I do not apologize for not being ok with rape fantasy. If you are simulating raping a child, you are fantasizing about a situation where the person is literally incapable of providing consent. That crosses another line altogether. While I might cringe at the idea of rape fantasy, enjoying and defending child rape fantasy is something I don't need in my life.

For the most part I don't care so long as it's not being physically or verbally carried on in front of me. I don't screen people for their sexual preferences before I decide if we can be friends.

But some things are definitely justification for severing ties. Telling me that being sex positive means never evaluating if a sexual practice (even if done by choice) is harmful to the people who engage in it or to society as a whole... and not being allowed to speak up if I believe it is harmful... that is an irreconcilable difference for any kind of relationship with me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Pedophelia is not a kink.

Incest is not a fucking kink.

You do not get to tell me I should sit down and shut up about my "kinkshaming" behaviors that normalize rape and abuse and suggest the victim enjoys it.

I will not apologize for that. You don't get to tell me "we were never friends" for having this conviction and being willing to sever ties because of it.

Discussions I've initiated to help me process a traumatic night involving a non-Drama Club friend of Anthony and Ophelia have led to unexpected revelations about where other people stand with "kink" and nonconsensual sexual contact.

If you touch me without permission I will fucking attack you because under the law that is a fucking sex crime. I was not touched, Red was. There was a lack of appropriate boundaries with Ophelia that fed into a situation where that became possible. I saw it coming, apparently no one else did. I am the only one who nearly lost my mind over it because apparently some people think that when it's a cute girl running around grabbing people it's not so much a problem???

Oddly enough, the discussion was at the tail end of my processing the aftermath with Anthony and Ophelia. Anthony has been nothing but upstanding and supportive, Ophelia has been more defensive but has still taken action in ways that tell me her beliefs even if she can't articulate them. We're in an ok place as friends, of which I am glad. Ophelia moves cross-country for work in less than a week, and Anthony follows three weeks after. If we part ways on good terms our friendship just might survive the distance.

Despite the intense difficulties, they are still some of the closest friends I have, and it is going to tear me up to have them disappear so soon after we connected, especially Anthony.

Everything sucks.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

I am not used to chaotic friendships. I am not blameless, neither are they. There was a really fucking horrifying catalyst. We are picking up the pieces and moving forward cautiously.